I hate feeling insecure

I'm feeling very insecure at the moment. I hate that. I know  I should just accept me being me, but I can't. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, that other people my age are moving ahead of me, even though I know it's because I wait for the real deal. I feel like a little inexperienced girl when the people around me are all drinking and partying and I'm always at home. (I really don't like to go to parties because I know I won't know what to do and how to behave. And some say, oh it comes naturally after a few drinks, but I refuse to drink because I hate it and what it does to people and drunk ppl scare me) I think I am way too young to be doing those things, as are the others my age, but everything's moving so fast and suddenly, it's normal to have kissed already, to have "fallen in love" more than once, to have had several boyfriends, and to have had sex already, at age 15. In my opinion, you have your whole life in front of you. one hundred years and in 1/6th you already start killing brain cells with alcohol and sleeping around with people you know (deep in your heart) you don't love. But still I feel like I'm the odd one. I think different from others. Even my teachers say that at parent's evening (or how do you say that when parents and teachers discuss your achievements?). I feel like I'm missing out on life, that I don't know how to have fun. I get no confirmation whatsoever that I'm living my life the right way, that I'm not wasting it. I dare not let anyone in, because I want that to be something special, and I don't want everybody minding my business (and that's what they do when you fully let them in), but letting nobody in (because me is something I only share with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with) is exhausting and depressing. On top of that, I'm getting impatient. People say that you get a taste of the broadness of (opportunities) in life when you're in college, but that's still 3 years away (including this one) if I don't have to do one over. I don't like where I am now. I want to be in college, where I learn about relevant things that interest me, (There is only one subject in the curriculum of psychology that doesn't interest me as much as i'd like it to) where life begins. Along with this desire comes of course the fear that it isn't ass great as I think it's going to be, that it fails my expectations. That I hate every subject (although that is very unlikely) and that life doesn't begin. That I don't meet a special someone, and have to wait another 15 years. Or more. Maybe I'll finally fall hard for the perfect guy when I'm 50, 60,70, 90? and infertile. I do want to have kids. I don't want to fail in life by my very own standards of succeeding. But I'm not in control of every factor, and this makes me very insecure. How can I enjoy life when the way I would enjoy it is dependent of out-side factors?

And so I sit here, wallowing in self-pity, getting away from my depression through reading. Wasting away.

I know that tomorrow it'll be over, and i'll be certain of myself again, or if I'm not, at least I'll only take it from myself. NOBODY else may tell me I'm a waste or chip away at my outside confidence. Because without that, I wouldn't survive in todays society. 

Doubt,

doubt,

doubting myself...

But don't you dare 

tell me I'm no good.

No need to rub it in, 

'cause if you do,

you're no good yourself.

I'd say think about that, but then you'd only get depressed, so this was just my exhaust valve (this is the first time I've seen, let alone used this word, so sorry if I used it in the wrong context) no need to compare or apply this to yourself. You are yourself in your own way (can't say I think you're beautiful 'cause I don't know you) And if you don't believe me, LISTEN TO BUBZBEAUTY, your self-esteem will go up in seconds (if all is right).