I realise I come across as EXTREMELY JUDGEMENTAL in this story, just remember, I only think these judgements, I don't automatically think they're true, and base other things on them, I do not act on them, they are only in my head. Please go easy on me, I am very straight in what I think is right and what I think is wrong. also, If somebody else but me does something I think is wrong, I don't immedeately hate them. What they do and decide has nothing to do with me.
So recently I had one of those moments. A break, in particular. But I'm kind of stuck.
Let me explain - there is this one girl at my school, who is kind of excluded in groups, especially in her own class. I was introduced to her about two years ago. She made funny jokes so I asked her to sit at my lunchtable. And she did.
Soon, though, I understood that it were 'nervous-jokes'. I gave her a chance anyway.
She didn't seem to have much personality. Shy, but not in a cute way, lame jokes, but I knew that if she were to relax at school, she would actually be found funny. She just didn't know how to act around people of our age, I could relate.
Then the people at my lunchtable wanted her gone because they didn't like her passive personality.
They moved to a smaller table, so there wasn't enough room for us (both). I did not get it over my heart to just dump her - that is not something you do.
They said it wasn't my problem, but I didn't (even want to) see it that way. I considered it rude and immoral to let someone sit by themselves, with the nerds (whom she doesn't like), or some group of her class with whom she was before introduced to me (with who she isn't comfortable).
So I sat, together with -let me call her - Roxanne, with other friends of mine, who happened to have two spots open. That became our regular place. But then they sometimes didn't have enough place, so my link to this group (S.) , Roxanne, and I sat at one of the smaller tables by ourselves. I didn't mind. We were all comfortable.
That's when the break-moment started sneaking up on me.
So Roxanne wanted to buy shoes, which I found marginal, and I honestly said that I thought she wouldn't dare wear these to school, because we're in a very judgemental school, and that she should only buy them if she were extremely sure. She bought them anyway.
Still, that's not the break (because seriously, who stops being friends for taste in shoes?).
Roxanne has this habit of crushing on wayyy to old guys.
One year ago, it was someone 3 years older (my limit is 2), this year it is someone 7 years older. I repeat 7 years. He was learning how to write when she was born.
Worse, which was not the case a year ago, this guy is actually reachable.
R. said he likes her back. this is the point where I started to freak out
So, being the moral being I am, I told her not to persue this thing, and that I didn't say that because I didn't want her to be happy, but that it's just plain impossible. (for reasons that are my moral code, if you disagree, you can argue this point, I have some great arguments)
Anyway - so she said that he invited her to his place during the break, and that they were probably gonna' get drunk. Already this was inacceptable for me. I asked her why, she said, "Well, everything's more fun when you're drunk, isn't it?" To which my reply was "No, if you're really comfortable around each other, it's just as fun when you're sober".
On top of that she mentioned they were maybe going to do soft drugs like the water pipe.
This came completely unexpected to me.
She was planning to do alcohol and drugs?
I thought I chose my friends carefully, so I would stay out of that inviroment.
Roxanne seemed like the kind of girl who just had to come out of her shell.
Boy was I wrong about that. Because buckle up people, here comes the actual break-moment.
A week back she confessed to me that she'd kissed this guy.
"WHAT?!"
"It came unexpected, I didn't plan on it to happen." she said
"When?"
"A month ago."
"You kept this from me an entire month?"
"Yeah."
"All right. You know you shouldn't have."
"yeah. Want to hear the details?"
"Actually no." (I have a big sense of privacy when it comes to intimacy.)
"well, then don't complain if you found out I did something and I didn't tell you."
"Okay, you have a point. Spill."
"So we were at the pool. And after the swimming he asked me to share a changingroom with him"
"Omygod, Roxanne, you did say no, didn't you?"
"Yeah, don't worry. I said - kind of awkwardly- 'we probably shouldn't do that'"
"Okay."
"So I was changing and we were talking and, honest to god, I do not remember what I said that made him do it, but suddenly, he was in my kot."
"what. what. Roxanne!"
"I know. So I kind of turned around while I changed, 'cause I was embarrased, and then he asked me if I'd ever seen a penis before. so I asked, 'apart from my dads?' and he's like, yeah, and I said no, because I hadn't. and suddenly we were both naked and he looked my over and said I was beautiful. And then he kissed me. And after a while he said he wanted to finger me."
"Roxanne! no!"
"and he did."
"nooooooo!"
"we didn't go any further"
"I should hope!"
"yeah" she had the decency to look embarrased.
"you know you have no future with this guy"
"don't I though?"
"No, what are you going to do? have sex with him? You're freaking 15. No. Besides, what if he's only using you to get laid easily?"
"I'm not going to have sex with him!" she said.
I don't know how the conversation turned out this way but she admitted to being depressed (again, I can relate) but not in a suicide kind of way.
"So you're depressed. I get it, nothing ever happens in our lives and now it does in yours."
"Am I depressed though? I don't feel like it. I think it just made me realise I shouldn't waste my life."
"No, I think you're enjoying the upside of being depressed - which is : just not caring anymore. And if you don't, you might have short term pleasure, and you don't care about the after-effects."
"You might be right."
"I'm just afraid you're gonna' get hurt."
"Thanks. I just really like this guy."
"I'm happy for you. At least you know there is somebody out there who likes (and maybe could eventually love) you. Talk about a self-esteem-boost."
this did make me want to break. But I'm morally attached. Besides, I've really grown used to having her around. If she were to leave, I'd probably be sad for a while, but it wouldn't really affect my life. It's just - life choices. Do I want to do alcohol and drugs? Do I really want to do things I wouldn't normally do because I temporarily might enjoy them? Do I care about consequences?
Think about that.
No comments:
Post a Comment